Claws out: A back to school special

School started yesterday and when I say yesterday I mean my first class is today. I don't hate getting my edumucation or anything, I hate the fact that I should have graduated in May and probably won't for another 3 years by the time I transfer and shit.

The first day of school is always such a clusterfuck trainwreck that I try at all costs to avoid going. Hundreds of people who are just going to drop their classes show up to take all my parking spots (and will probably hit my car), fuck with my Mbox settings and then try to talk to me and above that, just piss me off. No, you can't borrow my 1/8 to 1/4 jack, MAYBE IF YOU UNTANGLED THE RASTA NEST ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD IT WOULD RELIEVE SOME PRESSURE AND YOU WOULD REMEMBER TO GET ONE. No, you can't borrow my sheet music, I KIND OF NEED IT TO SEE WHAT TO PLAY. No, you can't "borrow" my "dank loop." Wait, WTF?! YOU CAN'T "BORROW" SOMEONE ELSE'S WORK!

Also, don't tell me my Blublockers are "siiiick." They're not. They fit over my glasses dude, prescription sunglasses are really fuckin' expensive. They were also really uncool (which makes them tragically hip) for like two weeks, until some slut at American Apparel freaked out at Paul (from The Mistits) about them. Now they're about as cool as getting your throat stepped on by John Goodman. Apparently looking "cool" is important to a great deal of the population and there are two ways of doing that- actually putting effort into your outfit, like matching or wearing clean clothes or something or wearing your finest sexy pajamas and ugg boots. Okay, so, I am a total dirtbag and do nothing to hide it but wearing pajamas and ugg boots is unacceptable. That shit is disgusting. Seriously, you look like a freak. It's August in San Diego and there's no way your feet can smell like anything but a wet sheep's ass at the end of the day. Have no fear, gentle readers, I can help. Here is my morning routine that gets me out the door in 10 minutes or less:

1. Stumble around until in bathroom. Haphazardly brush teeth and wipe mascara crumbs off under-eye area.

2. Don't brush your hair, you're going to waste 10 minutes on a hairstyle that will look shitty anyways. Brushing your hair is like bangin' underage girls. Once you start, you can't stop.

3. Put pants on. Swat at the pile of black cloth and denim until you find some. If you can't help it, go ahead and make sure they smell clean. I don't. That could cost me an extra two minutes! *Sweat pants, track pants, pajama pants, whatever...NOT OKAY.

4. Select shirt. Band shirts are still acceptable as long as you aren't annoying band shirt guy. When I say "annoying" I mean it should probably be a band that doesn't blow and not every day. American Apparel is also sometimes in the clear if you make it clear that you are not an obnoxious hipster so much as you are just an old dirtbag. I'm into the summer shirt v-necks right now because I have a terrible personality and I subsequently have to show a little bit of titty. I mean, because they're comfortable and unreasonably soft. And fair trade blah blah blah.

5. Select and put on footwear. I keep a fine selection of flats and untied shoes by my garage door. You can tie your shoes while you're driving, quit being a bitch and suck it up.

You must immediately leave and can't look at yourself before you do so. If you look at yourself you might lose what I call the "blind confidence."

Speaking of dirty band shirts that I still wear because they are pretty offensive, here is a video from one of my all-time favorite bands in the entire world. The Murder City Devils.



The good thing about going back to school is that Mondays are still Dirty at the Saloon in Encinitas. Next week you should probably come with us, because we always make time for Dirty Mondays despite the fact that we are both up to our asses in alligators. Last night we left a little earlier than usual but not before busting some serious moves to Chromeo's "Fancy Footwork:"


and NWA's "Straight Outta Compton:"



Fuuuuck Yeeeeah! I love NWA. Hot Damn.

I don't really have any internet requests for next week yet besides maaaaaaybe this Trentemoller remix of the Royksopp song "What Else Is There:"


and just a little hint, we like to get hyphy. Just sayin'.


Ghostridin' the whip,

'stina