After fighting with the robot sluts at Cox for a day and a half to get my fucking internet fixed, I am finally ready to deliver what you guys have been waiting so long for: the liveblog of the High School Musical 3 sneak preview I'm attending!
Hah, I'm just kidding. I'm talking about the Pony Girl Club guide to talking to girls on the internet. Yeah. I'll admit it. We tried internet dating once. I mean, not together. Just at the same time. I always thought internet dating was for warcraft nerds and diabetics or something but I thought maybe I'd give it a chance since it's 2008 and people use the internet or some shit. When say I thought I'd give it a chance I mean Jenny K. basically dared me to, so I said yeah, okay one guy. Needless to say, it didn't go too well. When I say it didn't go too well I mean I ended up kind of dating the dude for like two months before he had an existential crisis, threatened to move to New Mexico to work in a water treatment facility and never talk to anyone again and eventually just stopped talking to me, later citing extreme depression (I ran into him at the Frog Eyes show and demanded an explanation immediately). Fact: joining the peace corps will not undo the fact that you got fired from your graphic design job, nor will it pay your Yaris payment.
So, now I'm compiling a list of tips culminated from our collective experience to help y'all stop acting like assholes, on and off the internets.
1.The content of your message is your first impression. You should probably try to not fuck it up. Don't say creepy shit or send dick pics. Messages that say "you're a cute chick and I'd like you to ride me like a pony" are TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. Don't ask questions like "do u liek egyptian dick?" and don't send messages like this:
He there,
How are you doing?
Just got to tell you that I like ur profile and Pix and wanna Know you better.
How Cute Are You :-)
Beautiful Eyes and Lips :-)
Please add me to your favorites so we can chat here.
Would you like to chat on phone to know each other better ??
Wanna Date??
Looking for forward.
Guess what? Gonna block your 40-year-old ass. I almost wish I didn't delete some of the really yucky messages for the sake of my readers' amusement. You should probably also write your message in American SO I CAN UNDERSTAND IT. I shouldn't want to put a [sic] at the end of your entire message. This is a good example of what not to do:
hey whats up how r u doin shawty i seen that wit that drink ill drink with u for sure.
Don't give me a Reader's Digest version of your life and don't tell me how much you love to work out and hike. Isn't it clear by the pretentious list of "leisure lit" that I fucking hate hiking and shit? How could I have read all those damn books that most people consider punishment if I was outside running around catching hay fever? DO use information I have chosen to release to try to make a connection. I normally find beards yucky, but the dude I ended up dating had a beard. Why would I date a dude with a beard? Because in his first message he asked me how funny it would be to re-score Grosse Pointe Blank to Sunset Rubdown instead of John Cusack jerking off Joe Strummer. Yeah, score.
2. Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend. It's just really fucking annoying. We're all old enough that you have to be a social retard to not have been in a relationship at this point, especially if you're like us and dig the dirty thirties (I'm just kidding, we're trying to stick with dudes in their twenties...I think).The dude I dated from the internet talked about his ex-girlfriend on the first date. He was also asking about character makeup and asked me if I could make myself look like his ex-girlfriend. It was a joke. Even if it was a little mean, it was probably because I asked if his 16-year-old brother was a hot virgin. Wait, why am I defending this dude still? Ughhh. Megan went on an afternoon coffee date with a guy that pointed out his premature balding (it was hiding under the emo combover) and attributed it to the fact that his ex-girlfriend once told him she had herpes when she didn't. The best part about this dude is that he chatted me up previously, but started ignoring me once he did the hook line and sinker on Megan and eventually re-opened the dialogue circuit once he figured out Megan wasn't going to call him. No, I don't want to be in a band with you, I heard you got kicked out of Adamscott's little brother's band for SUCKING. Yeah, you did jostle me at the Silver Jews show. Yeah, I shot eye daggers at you and yelled about fighting you because I was a little drunk. Whatever.
3. Be kind of hot or at least really funny. If you look like a serial killer and your main interests are meat, the confederacy and "FUCKING LIKE A HORSE," we probably aren't going to get along. I almost prefer dudes that are not like, stupid hot, because they tend to be less...well, stupid. I'll be honest, you can have a pretty bad case of the cute and be funny or into shit I am into and I'll dig it, I'm kind of into that awkward early Rivers Cuomo thing anyways. You know, the dark hair and glasses with a cardigan combo. I also like obscenities and being offensive. I'm also really popular, kind of loud and feared by most. You have to be able to deal with it. The best way is by having a good sense of humor. Most people can't hang and with that said, my standards are still ludicrously high and I will probably date one guy a year for two months and never get married. It's cool, I have a cat.
4. Try not to act like a total psycho. It's normal for most people to move on to normal e-mail after a while (or at least I think so?) because most people can't check internet dating sites at work and I can use gmail on my phone. What you shouldn't do with this e-mail address, is use it to find and read every article the girl you're interested wrote for her college paper and later tell her you loved "that one about those kids shoes with the wheels on 'em." Acting like a total psycho includes showing up at her work when she didn't tell you where she worked. Acting like a total idiot includes agreeing to get a beer with said dude since he drove up from University Heights to stalk you and getting totally wasted because you got the magic refilling pint glass. Yikes. If you actually do get the chance to bang a girl, you should probably try NOT crying on the final frontier. She's gonna freak out, not to mention think you're a total pussy.
5. Look like your pictures. If you don't, please save yourself a shred of dignity and don't point out why. In my case, the dude had a floppy mop of hair in his pictures yet had no actual hair in real life. Being asked why prompted a story about how he shaved his head two years ago when his girlfriend dumped him and just kept shaving it. Are you on some sort of sadsack hair protest? Don't even get me started on the really serious under bite. I feel like I put up an assortment of photos that accurately displays both how foxy I am as well as how goofy/boring/normal I can look. That includes full-body pics. You can't hide behind the internet dude, we'll figure you out. Especially if it's your height you're fudging. We are apparently slightly above average (the internet says it's 5'3.7"), height-wise and hang out with a bunch of goddamn giants so if you say you're 5'7" but you meant 5'4" fuck yeah I'm gonna notice. It's not like I'll automatically turn my nose up at you for being more vertically challenged than I am, as long as you're cool.
What I'm getting at is I'm going to take my chances in the real world, you know, keep scamming on friends' friends/coworkers but in the mean time YOU can stop being less of a dickbag when trying to pick up chicks on the 'net.
You guys are going to have to excuse me now, I have to go deal with this dude that keeps calling me because he thinks I'm Jenni. I've told him twice that he has the wrong number but "wrong number" is apparently just a shorter way of saying "I'm playing hard to get." Why would this guy think I'm Jenni? Funny you should ask. We were at dirty mondays and this guy asked for her number and instead of saying "I don't have a phone" or "no please" she gave him mine. Fucking stellar.
'stina.
Showing posts with label how to talk to girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to talk to girls. Show all posts
Friday, October 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Pony Girl Club presents: A Guide to Talking to Girls at Parties
I will let it be known now that I fucking hate parties. I hate other people and I especially hate other people I don't know. Faced with the choice of going to a party or being forced to watch octopus porn, I will obvs. go to the party. I am really shy and socially awkward, I am kind of like a bunny in a wolf suit. Needless to say, if you act like a total butthole it's gonna be more wolf than bunny. Here is a poorly assembled list of...stuff that might guide you in talkin' to the laydeez in social clusterfucks.
1. Don't ask to try on a girl's glasses. It's annoying and you look stupid. Both of us are bespectacled because we are blind as shit. We have a handful of friends that are also, for the same reason. Come to think of it, I don't actually know anyone that wears fake fashion glasses. Probably because those are for fucking idiots and I don't like hanging out with fucking idiots. Why not get contacts and stop looking so misanthropic? Because I have really bad allergies and 99 percent of the time it's not worth it to start poking around the 'balls. Heh, get it? Eye BALLS. I am really self-conscious about my glasses, partially because Jenni says they have corn husks on the arms (they're rosebuds you asshole), but mostly because they seem to be the perfect ice-breaker for dickbags. Bring on the naughty librarian jokes. I'll just tell you I don't know how to read.
2. Never tell a girl you remind her of a Nickleback song. She'll tell you that you remind her of a gay Canadian with a microscopic ween or a Vegas strip club.
3. Actually try listening. Here's a secret, women love talking about themselves. Shocker, I know. Even if they don't seem like it, if you get them started on the right thing they won't shut their whore mouths and it's annoying as shit. I wish I could control it better. Example: yell "MIDI" in a crowded room and I will zone in on you like a goddamn hawk and talk circles around you for at least an hour. It is a pretty bad idea to ignore what a girl does tell you about herself, if I say something along the lines of "I like watching Project Runway with my cat but I am also pretty into making music and movies and music for movies and shit" it would be a good idea to not respond like this: "Yeah, okay so you watch a lot of TV. Do you do, like, anything creative?" Fuckass. Listening is pretty easy, just try to pick up on key words. Example scenario:
[in an empty living room at a party]
Me: Backscratchaaa!
Jenni: Backsratchah!
Random dude walking by: BACKSCRATCHAAA! Oh man, I love Family Guy. What other cartoons do you guys like?
Me: Metalocalypse, Home Movies, you know, whatever.
Random dude now stopped: Oh cool have you seen Venture Bros? That's my favorite.
Success! That counts as a conversation. We might keep talking to you because you didn't just run into the room and verbally wave your dick around.
Which brings me to...
3.b. Don't fucking freak out if a girl doesn't ask you about yourself. Don't stand up and yell the Reader's Digest version of your life story when there is a lull in the conversation because you said something stupid and the laydeez is sick of talking to you in an attempt to not be rude to their friends' friends.
4. Do not EVER tell a girl she smells like any of the following: A churro, a slim jim, love or regret.
5. If you ask a girl for her phone number and she says no, it is a good idea to go find the closet she is hiding/sleeping in and lay down on her and ask for the digits again when she tells you to get the fuck out. NOT!
6. Throwing a chair at a girl is not a good conversation starter. I don't care how much G.G. Allin makes you want to "rage," that shit is unacceptable.
7. Don't lose your shit if girls whisper to each other in front of you. That's what they do. Girly giggles and whispered secrets keep the world going 'round. Do the math, there is a 30 percent chance we are whispering about a dude. 50 percent of that 30 percent is "I'd hit that from behind" and the other 50 percent is "when is this asshat going to take his soul patch and his self righteous-ass out of this room?" There is a 40 percent chance one of us is kind of deaf and the other is soft-spoken. Most importantly, there is a 30 percent chance the conversation is about bodily functions we think are hilarious but don't walk to talk about within legitimate earshot of any dude, regardless of foxiness factor. Don't scream "SECRETS DON'T MAKE FRIENDS" if I lean over to say something to my buddy. Guess what? I don't want to be your friend and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear us talk about fro yo farts.
8. Don't namedrop bands for the sake of namedropping. If you have a legitimate jump, oh say, Sunset Rubdown to Destroyer, that is acceptable. Talking to girls that are really into music isn't the Kevin Bacon game, I don't want to hear more than two levels of connection. None of that "oh you like Norwegian black metal? You must totally love As I Lay Dying!" shit. Yeah, I love them about as much as I'd love scooping my own eyes out with a rusty grapefruit spoon. God, just typing "As I Lay Dying" made me need to get up and open a beer (when I say "open" I mean I couldn't find the bottle opener fast enough so I had to smash the neck against the bumper of my H2 and leave all the glass in the cul-de-sac where the children run barefoot), which brings me to...
9. Don't like stuff that sucks. There are deal breakers like the ones Megan mentioned in the "How to Talk to Girls at Shows" post, like mentioning having accidentally killed a kitten as a teenager or your love for Dave Matthews. Yeah, it's shallow or whatever but shit like that is important to me because it's my life. Kittens, I mean. While other people are really concerned about matching their Lacoste polos, I just want to yell about the injustice of Pitchfork giving "Dear You" a 2.5 and I want you to agree with me. If you say something like "I don't know why Creed broke up, they were the best band in the entire world" I will make my worst thizz face and say something like "oh yikes." That means DO NOT CONTINUE TALKING.
10. Be yourself and like that self. I personally believe in the life philosophy of wearing my crazy on my sleeve. We're not stupid and we can figure you out pretty quickly so you might as well save yourself from becoming slumber party fodder and be honest. We're probably kind of into it anyways. We're nerds too, we read medieval literature for fun and get drunk and play rock band. It's cool dude. We like getting hyphy. We hate bathing. Whatever. We were already pretty foxy but just because I just admitted all of that we just gained like 17 more internet boyfriends. I mean fans. You know what else? If I get the energy sword I'll kick your ass. I will also close your gate to Oblivion so fast it's not even funny. I go MIDI first. Suck it.
I got 99 problems and bitches are all of them,
'stina
1. Don't ask to try on a girl's glasses. It's annoying and you look stupid. Both of us are bespectacled because we are blind as shit. We have a handful of friends that are also, for the same reason. Come to think of it, I don't actually know anyone that wears fake fashion glasses. Probably because those are for fucking idiots and I don't like hanging out with fucking idiots. Why not get contacts and stop looking so misanthropic? Because I have really bad allergies and 99 percent of the time it's not worth it to start poking around the 'balls. Heh, get it? Eye BALLS. I am really self-conscious about my glasses, partially because Jenni says they have corn husks on the arms (they're rosebuds you asshole), but mostly because they seem to be the perfect ice-breaker for dickbags. Bring on the naughty librarian jokes. I'll just tell you I don't know how to read.
2. Never tell a girl you remind her of a Nickleback song. She'll tell you that you remind her of a gay Canadian with a microscopic ween or a Vegas strip club.
3. Actually try listening. Here's a secret, women love talking about themselves. Shocker, I know. Even if they don't seem like it, if you get them started on the right thing they won't shut their whore mouths and it's annoying as shit. I wish I could control it better. Example: yell "MIDI" in a crowded room and I will zone in on you like a goddamn hawk and talk circles around you for at least an hour. It is a pretty bad idea to ignore what a girl does tell you about herself, if I say something along the lines of "I like watching Project Runway with my cat but I am also pretty into making music and movies and music for movies and shit" it would be a good idea to not respond like this: "Yeah, okay so you watch a lot of TV. Do you do, like, anything creative?" Fuckass. Listening is pretty easy, just try to pick up on key words. Example scenario:
[in an empty living room at a party]
Me: Backscratchaaa!
Jenni: Backsratchah!
Random dude walking by: BACKSCRATCHAAA! Oh man, I love Family Guy. What other cartoons do you guys like?
Me: Metalocalypse, Home Movies, you know, whatever.
Random dude now stopped: Oh cool have you seen Venture Bros? That's my favorite.
Success! That counts as a conversation. We might keep talking to you because you didn't just run into the room and verbally wave your dick around.
Which brings me to...
3.b. Don't fucking freak out if a girl doesn't ask you about yourself. Don't stand up and yell the Reader's Digest version of your life story when there is a lull in the conversation because you said something stupid and the laydeez is sick of talking to you in an attempt to not be rude to their friends' friends.
4. Do not EVER tell a girl she smells like any of the following: A churro, a slim jim, love or regret.
5. If you ask a girl for her phone number and she says no, it is a good idea to go find the closet she is hiding/sleeping in and lay down on her and ask for the digits again when she tells you to get the fuck out. NOT!
6. Throwing a chair at a girl is not a good conversation starter. I don't care how much G.G. Allin makes you want to "rage," that shit is unacceptable.
7. Don't lose your shit if girls whisper to each other in front of you. That's what they do. Girly giggles and whispered secrets keep the world going 'round. Do the math, there is a 30 percent chance we are whispering about a dude. 50 percent of that 30 percent is "I'd hit that from behind" and the other 50 percent is "when is this asshat going to take his soul patch and his self righteous-ass out of this room?" There is a 40 percent chance one of us is kind of deaf and the other is soft-spoken. Most importantly, there is a 30 percent chance the conversation is about bodily functions we think are hilarious but don't walk to talk about within legitimate earshot of any dude, regardless of foxiness factor. Don't scream "SECRETS DON'T MAKE FRIENDS" if I lean over to say something to my buddy. Guess what? I don't want to be your friend and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear us talk about fro yo farts.
8. Don't namedrop bands for the sake of namedropping. If you have a legitimate jump, oh say, Sunset Rubdown to Destroyer, that is acceptable. Talking to girls that are really into music isn't the Kevin Bacon game, I don't want to hear more than two levels of connection. None of that "oh you like Norwegian black metal? You must totally love As I Lay Dying!" shit. Yeah, I love them about as much as I'd love scooping my own eyes out with a rusty grapefruit spoon. God, just typing "As I Lay Dying" made me need to get up and open a beer (when I say "open" I mean I couldn't find the bottle opener fast enough so I had to smash the neck against the bumper of my H2 and leave all the glass in the cul-de-sac where the children run barefoot), which brings me to...
9. Don't like stuff that sucks. There are deal breakers like the ones Megan mentioned in the "How to Talk to Girls at Shows" post, like mentioning having accidentally killed a kitten as a teenager or your love for Dave Matthews. Yeah, it's shallow or whatever but shit like that is important to me because it's my life. Kittens, I mean. While other people are really concerned about matching their Lacoste polos, I just want to yell about the injustice of Pitchfork giving "Dear You" a 2.5 and I want you to agree with me. If you say something like "I don't know why Creed broke up, they were the best band in the entire world" I will make my worst thizz face and say something like "oh yikes." That means DO NOT CONTINUE TALKING.
10. Be yourself and like that self. I personally believe in the life philosophy of wearing my crazy on my sleeve. We're not stupid and we can figure you out pretty quickly so you might as well save yourself from becoming slumber party fodder and be honest. We're probably kind of into it anyways. We're nerds too, we read medieval literature for fun and get drunk and play rock band. It's cool dude. We like getting hyphy. We hate bathing. Whatever. We were already pretty foxy but just because I just admitted all of that we just gained like 17 more internet boyfriends. I mean fans. You know what else? If I get the energy sword I'll kick your ass. I will also close your gate to Oblivion so fast it's not even funny. I go MIDI first. Suck it.
I got 99 problems and bitches are all of them,
'stina
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