Always better to over-fierce than under-fierce

There are a lot of things that I need to address in a very short amount of time, so I'm going to do so in a series of letters. Bear with me.

Dear Michael Crichton,

You picked a terrible day to die. It will eternally be overshadowed by Barack Obama's historic victory. Regardless, thanks for writing Jurassic Park.


Dear Barack Obama,

Don't make me eat my words (vote) on this one, dude. Congratulations though.


Dear California,

You fucked up.


Dear Really Excited Probably Gay Guy and His Wife Beard in front of us at Madonna,

You suck. You are seriously one of the most annoying concertgoers I have EVER experienced. Your relentless jumping and fist-waving prevents the rest of us from seeing shit. Emmanuel didn't pay $800 to see you fucking flailing around with your butt buddy. I was so happy when you got kicked out for like a minute, because I could see without distraction, but then you were allowed back and made an even bigger commotion I silently wished the lasers were real and would sweep into your row. I don't care if it took down your wifebeard as well as your molecular biology professor buddy and his mail order bitch, it would be worth it. God, lasers are cool.


Dear America,

You're a system that doesn't really work all that well, but at least (like the Good Doctor says) you've officially got soul.


Dear Pharrell,

Baby, why wasn't you there? So disappointed. I would hit that front, back, side to side. Yeeeah.


Dear Lady in the bathroom that told me I look like Katy Perry,

No, I don't. Yeah, I kissed a girl. It wasn't that great. Rather kiss a dude.


Dear Madonna,

I used to think you were a cold, money mongering robot that had a couple good songs back in the day. Last night, I found out that you are a human. A tiny, muscly human that could probably go to town on some garlic fries, but nonetheless a human. I was surprised at how much you actually sang as well as how steady and clear you were. I guess it makes sense, you are the self-proclaimed Queen of Pop. I'll be honest, when you fucked up the words to "Ray of Light" and attributed it to being "so fucking happy" that Obama won, it warmed my icy heart. Slightly. Thinking you were human made me remember being a wee toddler, wearing a leopard print silk scarf and diaper, dancing around my living room with my mom's microphone to "Lucky Star" while my mom did her Step workout. So I guess, in a way, my parents have you to blame for all this "I'm a jaded musician" bullshit I've put them through. One of my favorite things about you is that your songs don't sound identical to the album, they're unique to the tour, but in a good way. The metal version of "Hung Up?" LOVES IT. Your performance transcends just music, or just dancing. The videos, the sets, the lasers, EVERYTHING. The costumes? Amaaaaazing. They're all Givenchy and I heard you spent over $1 million on swarovski crystals alone. You had these amazing satin boots:



but this was one of my favorite outfits:


Girl, you so FIIIIIERCE!!!I'm sorry that San Diego sucks. Emmanuel told me the floor people get really serious and decked out in couture so I had to be really fierce but it was a bunch of old white people with too much goddamn money. Truth is, I'd rather over-fierce.


'stina

(You're writing songs that sound kind of like) Rick James(' songs), bitch.

There hasn't been too much going on around here and when I say that I mean I am up to my ass in alligators and can't figure out which review or interview to start on because they're all so overdue but I can't bring myself to do anything but wear my sleeping mask like a headband, sit in my bed picking at my newly-acquired auto harp callus and read Jezebel.

Monday, we didn't exactly get too dirty. It was kind of a giant brodeo. Lots of backwards baseball caps and conductor hats. It was like BROstoyevsky invited his army of BROmo sapiens. Jenni and I ended up sitting on her floor for a while (waiting for a gentleman caller) with her cat, armed with a fluffy thing with a bell on a string, the entire Pavement discography and sangria and stone pale ale (respectively, not mixed). Somewhere after admitting I have a horrifying inner monologue, especially during inopportune moments (I'm listening to Carrot Rope right now dude, internet knucks!) , we discovered myspace karaoke. This shit is quite alarming, yet I'm sure Megan and I will get drunk and do Mariah Carey at some point. On Monday, however, it seemed like a good idea to yell Celiene Dion in the wee hours of the morning and that's when we found it. Superfreak. After giggling for a minute, Jenni said "Hey you know what song sounds kind of like Superfreak? It's A Curse."

Dudes, it's true.





Who would have guessed Spencer Krug wold try to put himself in the running to be the next king of punk-funk? Not I.

Another one she pointed out was Beck's "Scarecrow" to "Like a Virgin." I agree, but also think it's a little like Depeche Mode's "Policy of Truth."

Some kids and their damn Beck fan videos:


Like a Virgin:



Dave Gahan is a hot old man and I'd totally still hit it from the back:


I'm not calling a Vanilla Ice or anything here, it's merely amusing that we can make genre-crossing connections. With that said, I'm inventing a Pony Girl Club drinking game (I'll probably be drinking while I play it anyways, might as well make it a drinking game) that is similar to the six levels of Kevin Bacon game. How do you go from Spencer Krug to us in three moves? Bid on us for the dirty pillow cancer auction and you'll find out!

I have to go wash the dye out of my hair now, I look like Erykah Badu but white and with saran wrap.

'stina

Oh yeah, if you're not doing anything tonight, come down to the 710 Beach club (I swear it's not a South Beach gay bar like The Birdcage) to see the Oddfellows and Gurtrudestein. I will not, contrary to popular belief, behave like a reprehensible jezebel this time.

If video killed the radio star, who killed the video star?

THE BUTLER?! It's usually the butler.

Regardless of your answer to my rhetorical question, I have a lot to complain about today.

Snack vultures at Costco are at the top of my list. If you block an entire aisle to muscle your way in for half a hot dog, I will probably...mutter obscenities under my breath. When I say "under my breath" I mean I am half-deaf so you can probably hear me. I am not going to fight you for that sliver of ravioli. I just want some pesto, man.

Next on the agenda, Megan, dude, you have GOT to get a second job. Chili's clearly isn't cutting it. You are posting so much it makes me look bad.

Aaaaaanyways.

Since Alison Bailes over there decided to get all Film 101 on Vampire Weekend, I am going to talk about some of my favorite music videos.


My ultimate all-time favorite director is Mark Romanek. There is an aesthetic quality to his videos that have become kind of signature, at least in my mind.

A lot of you are probably familiar with this video and think it's kinda creepy, maybe a little dirty. I do too. Videos that make you feel weird (like a pedophile in this case) accomplish something- a connection between the artist and the viewer. I also feel like bitch needs a Xanax and a pastrami sammitch. I present you with Fiona Apple's "Criminal."



I remember when Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" video came out I would secretly turn on my TV after midnight in hopes of catching it on MTV. This video weirded me out really hard. It might have been the meat wings, might have been the naked chick with the crucifix mask, might have been my pre-pubescent girl-boner for Trent Reznor hanging from the ceiling. Even if you don't like the 'nails, this video is worth watching because it's a work of art on its own.



Another NIN video, "The Perfect Drug." More gorgeous imagery! The color saturation is great and the Edward Gorey theme is kind of fun. Oh, and Count Trentula's Weimaraner is ADORBS.



Madonna's "Rain" was shot entirely in black and white and later hand-colored. Holy shit. That's a lot of coloring. IS PRETTY.



My last Romanek Video is going to be Weezer's "El Scorcho." This video draws from the band's quirkiness and is a little more fun that some of it's predecessors. It is still well-shot but the story progression is a little more funky. Why isn't Rivers wearing his glasses though? Y U doin' this to me, bb? YOU KNOW DUDES IN GLASSES MAKE ME RANDY!!!



Chris Cunningham is another director I like, he is a pretty weird guy and his videos show that. My first one from him is Aphex Twins' "Windowlicker." The digital effects are kinda nuts. It's a parody of gangster rap videos and the version I am posting is edited to the music, the original video has three something minutes of obscenities.



Next is Bjork's "All is Full of Love." This video came out in '99 so it was pretty cutting edge back then. Also, the Bjorkbots were non-working!



The last Cunningham video I am posting is Madonna's "Frozen." She was going through that weird ethnic/religious crisis thing but about 50 seconds in she falls back and explodes into crows. That's pretty freaking cool. I want to explode into crows!



The final director I am going to note today is Michel Gondry. He made some White Stripes and Bjork videos and whatnot and I like them. According to the internets, Gondry pioneered the "bullet time" (computer-enhanced time-lapse) technique later adapted in "The Matrix."

Devendra Banhart's "A Ribbon":




Bjork's "Hyperballad":



Obviously I am exhausted and have run out of adjectives for videos. Just you wait, it's not over yet!

'stina


p.s. I definitely got rickrolled looking for that Perfect Drug video. Ughhh.