Fact: Rivers Cuomo is friendly to bears

Last night I hosted a presidential debate party for members of the ponygirl club as well as members of the ponygirl society for musical appreciation. I mixed up a pitcher of the 2008 election's signature cocktail, the Sarah Palin rape kit. It's sort of like a Long Island but with some of that probiotic yogurt that makes you poo; it's expensive and it cleans you out. I also baked up some fucking delicious pumpkin bread and we settled in to our easy chairs to watch John McCain get Baracked. I wouldn't mind getting Baracked myself, but that's another blog for another time.

Somehow the evening turned, as all evenings must, into a backyard jam session which in turn turned into an epic campfire sing-along. Sometimes it can be hard to think of songs that everybody knows. We'd gone through the Beatles, the Doors, the Rolling Stones and (ugh)Nirvana when somebody said, "Hey, do you know any Weezer?"

The same somebody also said, "Weezer is basically metal, am I wrong?"


I don't know man. Usually I like to pretend that nothing after Pinkerton really happened. Watching videos this morning I decided to concede that the Green album is also real, if only because of the incredible pandering to girls that takes place in the "Island in the Sun" video. Cuddling with a bear, Rivers? Are you fucking kidding me? Kitties and puppies? Holding hands with a god damn monkey? Shit makes me squeal like a twelve year old, and that's what you want isn't it?

Not the squealing. I meant the twelve year old girls. That's what you want. Here's the thing: I know you man. One time when I was sixteen you drunkenly lurched at me but an Asian girl (probably also underage, let's be real) got in the way. You probably I don't remember. I barely do. My best friend and I had missed the last train home during your concert so we decided to prowl around Irvine all night because there wasn't much else we could do. We met up with some crazy fangirl who had a plush Miss Piggy doll she wanted to give you because of that video where you're friends with a bunch of damn muppets. It's always reassuring to meet a crazier fangirl than yourself. It makes you feel you're still cooler than someone, so we tagged along with her on her quest to penetrate the privacy of your backstage lair.

We watched you from a distance, imbibing party cup beverages in your pagoda with your cohorts. We entered one by one, spacing ourselves out so as to be less conspicuous. Miss Piggy was apprehended by security almost immediately. Girl was crazy. Yet we pressed on. Our eyes met across a crowded room, Rivers. You did the unthinkable. You waved at me. I waved back. You started lurching toward me. I didn't remember this last night, but this morning I have a phantom memory of maybe shaking your hand. Maybe one of my friends did. I don't know what happened to the brain cells where I used to keep this memory, probably paint fumes or vodka. I do remember being kind of shocked that you were really only about the same size as me.

Then you saw Her and the moment was over. We reconnected with Miss Piggy, her friend drove us to Carl's Jr and we passed the night sleepless on benches at the train station. It was fucking awesome.

So you see, I know you man. I know that despite your continued insistence that you give not a hoot, you care all too much. While I must admit that your video for "Pork and Beans" was rather on the lolarious side (although I fear that the song is merely a watered down rehashing of several older songs), I am worried about you. I am afraid that your facial hair is taking over your life. Some guys can have a stache or a beard or whatever without letting it control them. They can grow it out, shave it off, shape it up without losing themselves. Other guys think they're Sampson all of a sudden just because they have a stupid soul patch or whatever and shit starts taking over. They get that dead in the eyes look. You sir, have that look.

Gotta go listen to Pinkerton all day.
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon,
megan elizabeth

If video killed the radio star, who killed the video star?

THE BUTLER?! It's usually the butler.

Regardless of your answer to my rhetorical question, I have a lot to complain about today.

Snack vultures at Costco are at the top of my list. If you block an entire aisle to muscle your way in for half a hot dog, I will probably...mutter obscenities under my breath. When I say "under my breath" I mean I am half-deaf so you can probably hear me. I am not going to fight you for that sliver of ravioli. I just want some pesto, man.

Next on the agenda, Megan, dude, you have GOT to get a second job. Chili's clearly isn't cutting it. You are posting so much it makes me look bad.

Aaaaaanyways.

Since Alison Bailes over there decided to get all Film 101 on Vampire Weekend, I am going to talk about some of my favorite music videos.


My ultimate all-time favorite director is Mark Romanek. There is an aesthetic quality to his videos that have become kind of signature, at least in my mind.

A lot of you are probably familiar with this video and think it's kinda creepy, maybe a little dirty. I do too. Videos that make you feel weird (like a pedophile in this case) accomplish something- a connection between the artist and the viewer. I also feel like bitch needs a Xanax and a pastrami sammitch. I present you with Fiona Apple's "Criminal."



I remember when Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" video came out I would secretly turn on my TV after midnight in hopes of catching it on MTV. This video weirded me out really hard. It might have been the meat wings, might have been the naked chick with the crucifix mask, might have been my pre-pubescent girl-boner for Trent Reznor hanging from the ceiling. Even if you don't like the 'nails, this video is worth watching because it's a work of art on its own.



Another NIN video, "The Perfect Drug." More gorgeous imagery! The color saturation is great and the Edward Gorey theme is kind of fun. Oh, and Count Trentula's Weimaraner is ADORBS.



Madonna's "Rain" was shot entirely in black and white and later hand-colored. Holy shit. That's a lot of coloring. IS PRETTY.



My last Romanek Video is going to be Weezer's "El Scorcho." This video draws from the band's quirkiness and is a little more fun that some of it's predecessors. It is still well-shot but the story progression is a little more funky. Why isn't Rivers wearing his glasses though? Y U doin' this to me, bb? YOU KNOW DUDES IN GLASSES MAKE ME RANDY!!!



Chris Cunningham is another director I like, he is a pretty weird guy and his videos show that. My first one from him is Aphex Twins' "Windowlicker." The digital effects are kinda nuts. It's a parody of gangster rap videos and the version I am posting is edited to the music, the original video has three something minutes of obscenities.



Next is Bjork's "All is Full of Love." This video came out in '99 so it was pretty cutting edge back then. Also, the Bjorkbots were non-working!



The last Cunningham video I am posting is Madonna's "Frozen." She was going through that weird ethnic/religious crisis thing but about 50 seconds in she falls back and explodes into crows. That's pretty freaking cool. I want to explode into crows!



The final director I am going to note today is Michel Gondry. He made some White Stripes and Bjork videos and whatnot and I like them. According to the internets, Gondry pioneered the "bullet time" (computer-enhanced time-lapse) technique later adapted in "The Matrix."

Devendra Banhart's "A Ribbon":




Bjork's "Hyperballad":



Obviously I am exhausted and have run out of adjectives for videos. Just you wait, it's not over yet!

'stina


p.s. I definitely got rickrolled looking for that Perfect Drug video. Ughhh.