Deal breakers: Flip Flops

Feet are really yucky. I might be kind of jaded because I have really fucked up ballet feet but I don't care how many French pedicures you get, shit just looks like talons dipped in white-out. Feet are not "dainty" or "cute." Naturally, dude feet are imminently worse because I'm sexist.

A couple nights ago I saw a dude at the Saloon that was like, stupid hot. As in, so hot it's stupid. However, he was shuffling around in flip-flops. Goddammit. If he had taken 2 more seconds to put real people shoes on my panties probably would have disintegrated on the spot.

I bet these dudes don't wear flip flops:



The first time I heard Pissed Jeans I was sitting on the floor of some dude's apartment in his "record den." I didn't really care a lot, I just wanted to make sure my hair was still flat. Now I am seriously amused by them, anyone who is a claims adjuster or accountant by day and writes songs about diarrhea by night is cool in my book.

'stina

hate week continued

The other day I was out shopping for some more eyeliner and glitter because a lady can never have too much, when that Jack Johnson song about bubble toes came on the store muzak. There was a girl nearby with her boyfriend. She was trying on bronzer and he was trying to figure out how it came to this and what he could do to escape. He said, "Hey, have you heard of this guy?" and she inevitably replied, "Yeah, OMG I love Jack Johnson." He said, "Yeah, me too." I guess it's kind of like that Deep Blue Something song about Breakfast at Tiffany's except actually, much more annoying.

Because seriously, what rock would people have been living under where they would not have heard of Jack Johnson and heard him done to death? Even my mom hates Jack Johnson and she likes all kinds of boring stuff, like U2. She actually emailed the adult contemporary station several times asking them to never play Jack Johnson again. True story. She says he sounds like he writes the same song with the same rhythm over and over again. I can't tell if that's true or not because I feel like the only song of his I ever hear is that one about the toes. I don't want to know about your toes dude. No thanks.

Moving along, I used to really like this song by Flo Rida, mostly because it used to give me a little giggle before I'd heard it a gajillion times.



I liked to sing the little back up parts. I used to pop around the corner when the girls at work were singing it just to throw in a little, "WITH THE STRAP!" It's double fun in an opera voice.

Now I can't take it any more. I wish that the next time I hear it somebody would say, "Enjoy it, for this shall be the last. All copies will self-destruct when this one finishes playing." I would jump around so hard. Conversely, I would get super low. I would shout every word that I knew. It would be so amazing to just let it all out and then put that shit away. Just put it away.

3 important announcements for tonight:
1. Rocky Votolato at the Casbah=Ponygirl stalking opportunity.
2. OMG Project Runway
3. For the out of towners, Grizzly Bear on Late Night with David Letterman
Happy hump day, y'all.

The Space Between (my dick and your ass)

I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to start hateblogging, but Megan's entry pissed me off so much I have to do it now. We are writing about bands/artists we hate in an effort to get y'all to comment. We know you're reading. I mean most of you are looking for weird bondage/bestiality porn but still, you're reading.

I hate Dave Matthews and his band. I hate the way his voice sounds like he has a snot bubble stuck in his throat. I hate saxophone solos. I hate the cougars in tiered paisley print skirts that wind their aging hammerasses around an invisible stripper pole in the woods to his songs. Dave Matthews makes me want to polish my hymen with a chainsaw.

I have a long list of bands that I somewhat openly (some more than others) hate that a bunch of my friends are into. There are some pretty serious dealbreaker bands for me, like My Super-Gay Romance and Dickelback- I probably won't even talk to you if you like Nickelback because I know automatically that you are 110 different kinds of stupid. What Nickelback did to Canada's music reputation is what Creed did for America's. Make it a shitty fucking joke. I digress.

People who are really into Dave Matthews and his muu-muu often tell me to "relax and just go with it" when I mention my disdain for his Kermit the Frog lite over a waterfall of droning clean electric guitar riffs. That's the point! I don't want to "relax and just go with it." 1. That sounds like preparation for a colonoscopy. I'm too young to have cameras in my butt. At least without getting paid a lot. 2. If I wanted to "relax and just go with it" I would hit up FM 94.9's Big Sonic Nap. Or drink a fucking gallon of moonshine in under an hour. Nothing says relaxation like a coma.

Guess what else? His videos suck too. Hibatchi123 commented "All dave songs make me want to drink some beer" [sic] on youtube on the Dave Matthews Big Gay Band video for "Crash Into My Poop Chute" and to a certain extent he/she is right, they make me want to drink. Except my beverage of choice is a large steaming mug of oleander tea. The video for "The Space Between" features a couple black dudes, his band mates or whatever. There is a lot of contrast so they are pretty much just shadows with instruments. If I know anything about havin' soul, I know these dudes want to blow off this balding cracka-ass bitch to start an Earth, Wind and Fire tribute band. They do, however, probably get paid pretty well . Ahh shit, now I just sound like a racist.

And what, pray tell, is Dave currently up to? Making more ringtones for me to tear my eyelashes out to.


got a lot of lashes left to go,

'stina.

40 oz. to shut the hell up

This week, in addition to our Wolf Parade fangirl blitz we'll be running a special series on over-rated bands we hate. I mean, we're all twitterpated still because OMG he looked at us, but we can't be swooning on divans and loosening our corsets all day long. We'd never get any work done. To get the ball rolling, I'm just going to throw something out there and I need y'all to be ready to catch it.

I don't date boys who like Sublime. Pretty basic. I don't know if it's just the part of the country I live in or what, but this restriction practically makes me a nun. What's my problem with Sublime? The same problem I have with fourteen year old boys. No, not the one where they tell their parents about me and I have to do a lot of serious work on their old man to keep my ass out of the pokey. The one where fourteen year old boys are really fucking dumb. Actually, I guess those problems go together.

Moving along, what is up with Sublime? Seriously? Homeboy died in 1996 and the band was over. That is 12 long years of smoke two joints what I got bad fish what I got caress me down smoke two joints repeat, but I guess y'all have been too high to notice. I just get this sense about Sublime fans more than with any other band that in making the decision to like Sublime one is also committing to a certain lifestyle that I find just as tired and boring as the songs, the lyrics, listening to bros talk, etc. I just don't feel like I need to get high every day and fuck an endless succession of guys with low I.Q.s, big trucks and small feet. Because you know what they say about small feet.

Teeny tiny pedicures.

My favorite thing about Sublime is the song about the LA riots and sheltered suburban kids I went to high school with used to get at least six kinds of amped on it like, "yeah, 187 on a cop bro! Fuck yeah!" Like we weren't in second grade when that shit went down. Like they didn't smoke out with the campus police anyway. Like they wouldn't have hid under a rock and waited for the riots to end, clutching their blankies and sobbing. God fourteen year old boys are dumb. I think that's why I usually don't date anyone under 30. Natural selection should take care of this shit.

So yeah, Sublime=dealbreaker. Edit your social networking profiles accordingly gentlemen.