Wednesday, August 6, 2008

how to talk to girls at shows

Most of the four people who I know for sure read this are boys (well, they tell me they read it), so I want to make sure that they really read this and soak it all in, maybe even pass it along. You may ask yourself, why should I listen to Megan? She's always getting mixed up with drug dealers, kid touchers and octogenarians. Well don't you worry your pretty little heads about that. I'm a blogger. You have to listen to me.

I present to you: How to talk to girls at shows.

Step 1: Try being hot
Don't fucking panic, when I say "hot" I don't mean "unreasonably hot". You don't have to look like the girls in the magazines (I mean the boys in Nylon). I don't mind if you have a little junk in the trunk, your face isn't perfectly symmetrical or you think your hairline might be receding. I don't even care if you don't shower very often. Just try not to point your flaws out to me by dressing like an asshole or making nervous jokes about your hair loss that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise thanks to your emo combover. You should also try not to have a really disgusting beard. I don't mind looking at a well-groomed beard, if you must, but you will really have to work to get me to make out with that thing (at least two drinks). Oh, and if you're going to try a mustache that shit had better be spectacular. I'm sick of looking at your shit stache.

Step 2: Try not being a creep
Um, fucking duh.
Before you approach a lady, establish an eye rapport. Don't swoop in like a hawk because she accidentally looked at you once. Play eye tag. Make her want you to talk to her. And if you are lucky enough to be approached by her as a result of the eye contact game don't be such a pussy about it. Dudes in our generation whining about women being empowered is as useless as if the same dudes were to whine about slavery being over. If a woman pursues you dudes, even if you're not into her, it can teach you a lot about how you approach the womens because it puts you in the traditionally female role. You have the power to make a snap judgment about this person based on the first few sentences out of their mouth, and there ain't nothing wrong with that. These ladies are paying you a compliment and doing you a favor and yet all you do is bitch, bitch, bitch. Sound like any familiar stereotypes about men and women?
And you bitches don't even have periods to lay the blame on.

But yeah, don't be a creep. Take a yoga breath and fucking relax unless you really just want her to offer you some xanax. Ask her what the opening band was called or make a witty comment about the crowd (if you're actually witty, not if your mom thinks you're funny). Stay away from rehearsed lines because we can tell when you've been practicing with index cards in front of a mirror and it's scary. Also, try not to say anything about yourself being a creep, even if you are telling her you are not a creep. If you feel like it's necessary to say you are not a creep she will think you are one. That's just logic.

Step 3: Try not suffocating her
In the bedroom and out, this is a good idea.
Leave her wanting more. After you chat about the bands or upcoming shows or whatever for a few minutes there will naturally be an awkward pause in which you should introduce yourself. Shake hands and then find an excuse to leave her side immediately, something like "Hold on, my friend is waving me over" or "I have to go drop the kids off at the pool". Continue eye contact tag and maybe chat again in the next lull between bands. Too little is better than too much. You do not want to be that annoying guy who will not go away. Plus, it gives her time to talk to her friends about you and girls love talking to their friends about boys. That's just science.

Step 4: Try to steer clear of dealbreakers
Do not say, "I fucking love Dave Matthews Band."
"I killed a cat once."
"Megan? That's my wife's name. Weird." or
"I like your tits."
Also, try to avoid dressing like a total asshole. While this might get you some attention, I will be mostly talking to you out of a Ghostworld-ish curiosity about douchebags and weirdos and even if you do get to me, I will shrug you off and say something to my friends like, "Do you really think I'm going to let some guy in a camouflage tank top hurt my feelers? Bitch please."

Those are all the pointers I've got for now. More suggestions in comments?


stevens seagalll said...

Sos if i do dis to u at a concurt you wuld be prety empressd? il had to rember it.

'stina said...

I know who to send #3 to...