Nick and Norah's Infinite Pandering to Our Marketing Demographic

Megan and I had a really romantic night on Friday. We went out to dinner, to the Roxy, if you must know. We always both order "The Artichoker" sandwich (it is chock full of things I think are tasty, like artichokes, black olives, sprouts and avocado) and share garlic-battered artichoke hearts. It rained a little bit, not enough to use windshield wipers (it's never enough for Megan to use wipers, shit would turn into the black lagoon) but enough to deposit delicate sprinkles of dew onto our eyelashes so that other patrons may think our eyes were twinkling with love. Regardless of twinkling or not, we followed dinner up with a movie. Not just any movie, but the worst movie ever made for people like us. We schlepped in a box of Red Vines and a six-pack of Coronitas (they're so cute and so purse-sized!), because mid-twenties rebellion is a dish best served with beer goggles and a red tongue, and proceeded to ruin "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" for about 15 other people. And not just by kicking over an empty beer bottle.

I'm going to try not to ruin the movie for any of you idiots that think you still want to see this shit, so I'm no going to review it, so much as I'm going to make a list of complaints. I can tell you that we're planning a new video, tentatively called "The Pony Girl Club presents: Nick and Norah's Infinite Pandering to Our Markting Demographic re-enacted in five minutes."

1. The soundtrack. This shit was a total miss. It turned into a game for us. Every time there was a song featured by an "indie" band, I yelled "PANDERING!" Oooooh snap, you used Islands AND Takka Takka! Liek, ZOMG! If these fucking fruitcakes took any time to really consider character devlopment it would have been obvious to them that Michael Cera's character would have totally been into Wolf Parade. How can you make a breakup mix without "Grounds for Divorce?" You can't. The last time I broke up with a dude it was to "Kissing the Beehive." True story. As if you didn't know that it would sting, bitch.

2. The gay band. "Nick" is the straight bassist in a gay band called "The Jerkoffs." The ludicrous insinuation that the "indie" community is okay with gays is just that- ludicrous. I mean okay whatever I don't hate the gays (I guess) but the in-your-faceishness of the constant barrage of "HEY LOOK BEING HOMOSEXUAL IS ACCEPTABLE" became offensive. I feel like it's my duty as resident filthy hipster bitch with recently aquired rights to social commentary (now that I'm a blogger and shit) to point out that for the most part we don't care. Apathy is pretty widespread in this community of selfish fools. It reminds me of an article about hipsterdom I once read in which the author said "we'd look like revolutionaries, if only we were holding rocks instead of digital cameras." Personally, I don't care if that dude from Xiu Xiu is into dudes part-time and ladies part-time as long as you deliver what I want- a good show.

3. The booze. These kids are from Dirty Jersey and are in New York City for a night, how the fuck did they all get so drunk? And didn't their parents ever tell them not to drink and drive? Where the hell are their parents and why don't they care that they're not home at 5 a.m.? Shouldn't they be in school? Oh wait, I remember being in NYC underage and being served alcohol. Whoops! I was there for a journalism conference and went on a spur-of-the-moment dinner date with a fellow digital audio production major from some shitty state in the midwest. He was also deaf in the left ear. Man, I can't remember anything about this guy. He was nice and pretty cute, I probably could've finnagled a handski out of him if I actually tried. Probably should've tried.

4. Devendra Banhart. Norah is lightly arguing with former childhood friend Triss (who is also the ex-girlfriend of Nick) in a liquor store about how she has " probably had like, hundreds of orgasms" in her life when Banhart's rebellious beard appears to tell her that she'd "know" if she did. Someone get Devendra Banhart's dirty gay vegan rebellious beard on the Megan's Law website. No, I'm not talking about Megan's fetish porn site, I'm talking about that shit you put your neighbor's picture on when they diddle your spawn.

5. The stupid pretty girl that thinks she'd fug because her childhood best friend looks like Miley Cyrus. Goddammit, I am so sick of this shit. Seriously. Everyone knows there is a sliding scale of self-hatred that corresponds with your level of intelligence and the smarter you are, the worse you feel about yourself. Unless you're me, but I didn't say anything about people of superior intelligence with out of control ego problems. There's a moment when they're being intimate Nick takes off his hoodie and vans and is totally going to finger Norah and she says something dumb like "you still like me even though I'm not pretty like Triss?" Talk about bonerkiller. If a dude gets down to his business socks, it's business time. It's not that hard to figure out. You shut your whore mouth and get jiggy because he's not gonna wanna dip his pinkie in if you are too busy pointing out flaws he didn't even notice you had. Save that shit for drinking too much with your lady friends. It's bad enough that in the beginning of the movie one of Nick's gays drags Norah into the van and makes her change her bra because her personality is a lot easier to see in a red lacy push-up bra, but the fact that she weaves in and out of low self-esteem city even when HE ALREADY TOOK HIS HOODIE AND VANS OFF is just silly. And annoying.

Ugh, I am so tired I can't even think anymore. Good thing I have the entire day off so I can do stuff like watch DVRed TV before going to ballet as a warmup for dirty mondays.

The pedastools are about the same height as the gallows,

'stina.

HonkeySpace: A Place for Hunting Buddies

Yesterday some brohamulasaurus rex leaned out the window of his brodozer to ask me what I was listening to at a stoplight. That was weird. When I am driving to work or dance I am trying to get in a zone and that zone does not involve being yelled at by other motorists. I screeched "REGGIE AND THE FULL EFFECT" and snorted disapprovingly before peeling out of the stoplight. Naw, I have front wheel drive. The only thing I'm peeling out of is your mom. OH SNAP. I hope he was on his way to some brofessional broga classes, perhaps located in brotropolis, the brohamas or even the bromuda triangle. Broseph Stalin looked like the kind of guy that would eat broatmeal or brogurt for breakfast. Something light. His buddy Broba Fett looked like a broham sandwich kinda guy though. He also looked kinda like this brobot I saw at a party once, Brohan Solo. Brojangles was so broasted he was trying to merc Bro Diddley's brocaine and wanted to have a broetry slam. Out of nowhere, Brosemite Sam came out of bromoflague with a broa constrictor, I had to brodini out to a new brocation to try and find bromance with a new bromo sapien anyways. He tried to get all bro vs. wade on my ass and...that signals the end of my ability to continue to try to form sentences using bro words. Bromaldehyde. Atbrosphere. Broconomy.

Ahh shit, that was a lot of bro. Back to what I was originally supposed to post about...

REGGIE AND THE FULL EFFECT!

One of my favorite seriously kind of gay bands. Reggie is James Dewees, the drummer from Coalesce (FUCK YEAH!...ugh) and the keyboardist from The Get Up Kids, one of my OTHER favorite seriously gay bands. They get a whole post to themselves, though. I like a lot of really seriously gay bands like The Anniversary and Cross My Heart but I also like Norwegian black metal so if you talk shit on my gay bands I'll punch you in the throat with my dragon rings on. Not a buddy punch, either.

I love the Reggie videos because they are hilarious. I wish there was a video for my favorite song "Thanx for Stayin'," but alas, there is not. So here is my second favorite, "Get Well Soon:"



And "Take Me Home:"



Lastly, the "Congratulations Smack & Katy" video rules ass:



I think my eyes are melting and I need to get away from the computer,

'stina.

a (really hard) trip down memory lane

Once upon a time (roughly seven years ago) I received a sampler CD from Deep Elm Records, with my order of Appleseed Cast/Cross My Heart/other faggy bullshit albums and t-shirts featuring sad guys in glasses clearly yelling about self-loathing, that happened to feature a two minute and 14 second face-melter called "Leaning the Room" by a band known as "Planes Mistaken for Stars." Deep Elm is currently peddling this fine compilation for an exorbitant amount of cash moneys (like $10), HOWEVER, the "Knife In the Marathon" EP is totes worth it on iTunes.

Recently, I have been going through this thing where I have no life standards and openly still really love post-punk/post-rock (don't even get me started on math rock, bish plz) so here is a video from PMFS called "Spring Divorce" from their 2004 No Idea release "Up In Them Guts." Hee-hee, guts.






fucking shred,

'stina.