Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Pony Girl Club presents: A Guide to Talking to Girls at Parties

I will let it be known now that I fucking hate parties. I hate other people and I especially hate other people I don't know. Faced with the choice of going to a party or being forced to watch octopus porn, I will obvs. go to the party. I am really shy and socially awkward, I am kind of like a bunny in a wolf suit. Needless to say, if you act like a total butthole it's gonna be more wolf than bunny. Here is a poorly assembled list of...stuff that might guide you in talkin' to the laydeez in social clusterfucks.

1. Don't ask to try on a girl's glasses. It's annoying and you look stupid. Both of us are bespectacled because we are blind as shit. We have a handful of friends that are also, for the same reason. Come to think of it, I don't actually know anyone that wears fake fashion glasses. Probably because those are for fucking idiots and I don't like hanging out with fucking idiots. Why not get contacts and stop looking so misanthropic? Because I have really bad allergies and 99 percent of the time it's not worth it to start poking around the 'balls. Heh, get it? Eye BALLS. I am really self-conscious about my glasses, partially because Jenni says they have corn husks on the arms (they're rosebuds you asshole), but mostly because they seem to be the perfect ice-breaker for dickbags. Bring on the naughty librarian jokes. I'll just tell you I don't know how to read.

2. Never tell a girl you remind her of a Nickleback song. She'll tell you that you remind her of a gay Canadian with a microscopic ween or a Vegas strip club.

3. Actually try listening. Here's a secret, women love talking about themselves. Shocker, I know. Even if they don't seem like it, if you get them started on the right thing they won't shut their whore mouths and it's annoying as shit. I wish I could control it better. Example: yell "MIDI" in a crowded room and I will zone in on you like a goddamn hawk and talk circles around you for at least an hour. It is a pretty bad idea to ignore what a girl does tell you about herself, if I say something along the lines of "I like watching Project Runway with my cat but I am also pretty into making music and movies and music for movies and shit" it would be a good idea to not respond like this: "Yeah, okay so you watch a lot of TV. Do you do, like, anything creative?" Fuckass. Listening is pretty easy, just try to pick up on key words. Example scenario:

[in an empty living room at a party]
Me: Backscratchaaa!
Jenni: Backsratchah!
Random dude walking by: BACKSCRATCHAAA! Oh man, I love Family Guy. What other cartoons do you guys like?
Me: Metalocalypse, Home Movies, you know, whatever.
Random dude now stopped: Oh cool have you seen Venture Bros? That's my favorite.

Success! That counts as a conversation. We might keep talking to you because you didn't just run into the room and verbally wave your dick around.

Which brings me to...

3.b. Don't fucking freak out if a girl doesn't ask you about yourself. Don't stand up and yell the Reader's Digest version of your life story when there is a lull in the conversation because you said something stupid and the laydeez is sick of talking to you in an attempt to not be rude to their friends' friends.

4. Do not EVER tell a girl she smells like any of the following: A churro, a slim jim, love or regret.

5. If you ask a girl for her phone number and she says no, it is a good idea to go find the closet she is hiding/sleeping in and lay down on her and ask for the digits again when she tells you to get the fuck out. NOT!

6. Throwing a chair at a girl is not a good conversation starter. I don't care how much G.G. Allin makes you want to "rage," that shit is unacceptable.

7. Don't lose your shit if girls whisper to each other in front of you. That's what they do. Girly giggles and whispered secrets keep the world going 'round. Do the math, there is a 30 percent chance we are whispering about a dude. 50 percent of that 30 percent is "I'd hit that from behind" and the other 50 percent is "when is this asshat going to take his soul patch and his self righteous-ass out of this room?" There is a 40 percent chance one of us is kind of deaf and the other is soft-spoken. Most importantly, there is a 30 percent chance the conversation is about bodily functions we think are hilarious but don't walk to talk about within legitimate earshot of any dude, regardless of foxiness factor. Don't scream "SECRETS DON'T MAKE FRIENDS" if I lean over to say something to my buddy. Guess what? I don't want to be your friend and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear us talk about fro yo farts.

8. Don't namedrop bands for the sake of namedropping. If you have a legitimate jump, oh say, Sunset Rubdown to Destroyer, that is acceptable. Talking to girls that are really into music isn't the Kevin Bacon game, I don't want to hear more than two levels of connection. None of that "oh you like Norwegian black metal? You must totally love As I Lay Dying!" shit. Yeah, I love them about as much as I'd love scooping my own eyes out with a rusty grapefruit spoon. God, just typing "As I Lay Dying" made me need to get up and open a beer (when I say "open" I mean I couldn't find the bottle opener fast enough so I had to smash the neck against the bumper of my H2 and leave all the glass in the cul-de-sac where the children run barefoot), which brings me to...

9. Don't like stuff that sucks. There are deal breakers like the ones Megan mentioned in the "How to Talk to Girls at Shows" post, like mentioning having accidentally killed a kitten as a teenager or your love for Dave Matthews. Yeah, it's shallow or whatever but shit like that is important to me because it's my life. Kittens, I mean. While other people are really concerned about matching their Lacoste polos, I just want to yell about the injustice of Pitchfork giving "Dear You" a 2.5 and I want you to agree with me. If you say something like "I don't know why Creed broke up, they were the best band in the entire world" I will make my worst thizz face and say something like "oh yikes." That means DO NOT CONTINUE TALKING.

10. Be yourself and like that self. I personally believe in the life philosophy of wearing my crazy on my sleeve. We're not stupid and we can figure you out pretty quickly so you might as well save yourself from becoming slumber party fodder and be honest. We're probably kind of into it anyways. We're nerds too, we read medieval literature for fun and get drunk and play rock band. It's cool dude. We like getting hyphy. We hate bathing. Whatever. We were already pretty foxy but just because I just admitted all of that we just gained like 17 more internet boyfriends. I mean fans. You know what else? If I get the energy sword I'll kick your ass. I will also close your gate to Oblivion so fast it's not even funny. I go MIDI first. Suck it.

I got 99 problems and bitches are all of them,



Dr. Bubastis said...

My general strategy is to talk loudly enough about how much I love Futurama or The Venture Bros or Drive Like Jehu so everyone in the room can hear and hopefully ensnare the heart of some young philly. It doesn't work nearly as often as it sounds like it should.

Maybe I should stop saying they smell like regret and skip the awesome Doctor jokes?

megan elizabeth said...

Oh man, I could totally go for a churro right now.

jenni said...

oh jesus. this was funny. i won't be offended if you call me a churro. i'm pretty down with smelling like a delicious mexican treat. and #6 was definitely not trying to start a conversation. a riot maybe, but not a conversation.

'stina said...

@ Dr. Bubastis

Drive Like Jehu is actually a good strategy, but not if you are into bootlegging chicks like I am. You have to be at least some kind of old to remember who those dudes were. The only acceptable doctor joke/pick up line in my book is "hey, so I'm a freelance gynecologist....did you want to book an appointment for around 9:30 in the alley behind Vons in La Costa or what?"

@ Megan Elizabeth

churros are fucking delicious.

@ Jenni

churros are fucking delicious.

stevens seagulll said...

ugggggggh... cherro's r delesious... mmmmmmm

ed said...

I killed a kitten, but on purpose.