Tuesday, September 2, 2008

They're Still A Band?

There comes a point in every music lover's lifetime when a band reaches a certain point of irrelevancy—that is to say, every now and then you say to yourself “I officially don't give a shit about this band anymore” and go on with your life. Time passes; you listen to new music, gain a little weight, stop thinking Donnie Darko is a good movie...hell, you might even get laid once or twice. But then something happens. The very same forces that have kept any and all information about this band that you “don't give a shit about anymore” from you have conspired to bring you your first news of this band in almost a decade. It's shocking for several reasons. First it makes you think about the last time you had actually heard anyone talk about this band, which in turns make you feel old as fuck. Then, the ultimate question beckons:

Fuck, they're still a band?

Welcome to your favorite new PGC feature, wherein I will discuss bands that have faded so far from relevancy that they've drunkenly meandered into Metallica territory. First up on the chopping block: RANCID. So hop in my DeLorean and buckle up...we're about to go back to the motherfucking 90s.

Dial 9-9-9 If You Really Want Rancid to Stop Making Music

No joke: up until last week I thought Rancid's 2000 self-titled album was the last thing they released. How was I to know? Tim Armstrong started that awful rap rock band with the Baron Von Tito, and Lars Frederiksen sold suck by the gallon in Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards. Tough name dude. I actually saw Lars and the Bastards open for the Nerve Agents way back in 2001 or 2002 and even then dude was looking pretty fucking old and haggard. I'm pretty sure he was wearing some kind of back-brace too. Bitch looked like Bob Barker minus the tangerine tan and hot chicks.

So anyway, most people around my age that actually listened to cool music before Myspace and shit should remember that Rancid was fucking everywhere back in the day. And if you didn't have some huge ass rancid patch on your Jansport backpack i'll bet some serious dough that it was an Operation Ivy one. Fuck, even at 15 I knew Op Ivy sucked big time, but that shirt was EVERYWHERE. You couldn't ignore it. It's like those kids today that run around wearing that fucking Misfits shirt even though they've never listened to the Misfits, or even worse have only listened to the post-Danzig Misfits. But anyway, i'm not going to front—every now and then it's still fun to get drunk as hell and bust out Let's Go for some serious crust Karaoke. Then again this is coming from a guy who's ultimate Karaoke album is Taking Back Sunday's Tell All Your Friends. It's just that when I heard that Rancid is still around and making music, I just couldn't help but wonder why. Who still listens to this stuff? Did they build a huge mainstream following after that time they played Ruby Soho on SNL, motherfucking Liberty Spikes and all? Seriously, I haven't seen someone rocking a Rancid t-shirt or ass patch or whatever since way back in like 1999 when I still thought Lagwagon was cool. There must be some underground sewer community of twenty-somethings with a serious case of arrested development rocking their Dead Kennedy's studded jackets and grooming their Devil Locks that are keeping bands like Rancid and Anti-Flag in business. On their parents credit cards, i'm sure. Punk fucking rock.

So in doing research for this post I found out that Rancid went on “hiatus” from 2004-2005. That's news to me and probably everyone else in the world not in Rancid. Seriously dudes, didn't you get the memo? Hiatus means you're breaking up. Aren't At The Drive In still on “hiatus”? You know they're not getting back together because most of them are way too busy dropping acid and making shitty music. So seriously, hiatus = DEAD. What'd you do for that year anyway? Did it take doctors that long to figure out what kind of herpes Tim got from that hyper-skank from the Distillers that he was married to? Seriously that bitch sounds like she's been choking on dicks made of brillo pads most of her life and somehow looks even worse. And I guess now that they're officially off hiatus (thank the lord!) their original drummer left and was replaced by, get this, the drummer for THE USED. Do you remember those turd burglars? Me neither. Fuck dudes, was the guy from Finch not available? Drummer for From Autumn to Ashes turn you down? Bottom of the barrel dudes....big time.

In summation, there's way too much new shitty music in this world for us to have to deal with shitty music from 1995 that just won't go the fuck away. On the unbelievably rare occasions that I feel like listening to Rancid (and i'm talking Terrence-Malick-making-a-new-movie rare), about three songs of And Out Come The Wolves will totally tide me over for the next half-dozen years or so. I sure as fuck won't be reaching for anything they've made in the 21st century.

Next you're going to tell me The Vandals are still around.

Wait, what? They are?

I have a lot of work to do. Fuck.

-Dr. B


'stina said...

The Vandals...how can you be from Huntington Beach and still be so punk? Consider me befuddled. Oh that's right. Having an "ape drape."

Good news is, Screeching Weasel actually did break up in '04. Just shy of two decades. Who could forget that charming classic "I Wanna Be a Homosexual?"

megan elizabeth said...

I liked the Vandals when I was in high school until I discovered they were still a band + how bad they suck now.

ANARCHY BURGER!! Hold the government!!!

Dr. Bubastis said...

america stands for freedom
but if you think you're free
try walking into a deli
and urinating on the cheese!!!

also: apparently me first & the gimme gimme's are still a band. that's right: pop punk covers of Diana Ross songs are STILL cool!

'stina said...

Something tonight reminded me of that cum dumpster from the distillers, so I googled her and guess what? She's ginger-chasing the dude from Queens of the Stone Age, had his gingerkid and kept the baby weight. If that's not social justice, I don't know what is.