Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Space Between (my dick and your ass)

I was going to wait until tomorrow morning to start hateblogging, but Megan's entry pissed me off so much I have to do it now. We are writing about bands/artists we hate in an effort to get y'all to comment. We know you're reading. I mean most of you are looking for weird bondage/bestiality porn but still, you're reading.

I hate Dave Matthews and his band. I hate the way his voice sounds like he has a snot bubble stuck in his throat. I hate saxophone solos. I hate the cougars in tiered paisley print skirts that wind their aging hammerasses around an invisible stripper pole in the woods to his songs. Dave Matthews makes me want to polish my hymen with a chainsaw.

I have a long list of bands that I somewhat openly (some more than others) hate that a bunch of my friends are into. There are some pretty serious dealbreaker bands for me, like My Super-Gay Romance and Dickelback- I probably won't even talk to you if you like Nickelback because I know automatically that you are 110 different kinds of stupid. What Nickelback did to Canada's music reputation is what Creed did for America's. Make it a shitty fucking joke. I digress.

People who are really into Dave Matthews and his muu-muu often tell me to "relax and just go with it" when I mention my disdain for his Kermit the Frog lite over a waterfall of droning clean electric guitar riffs. That's the point! I don't want to "relax and just go with it." 1. That sounds like preparation for a colonoscopy. I'm too young to have cameras in my butt. At least without getting paid a lot. 2. If I wanted to "relax and just go with it" I would hit up FM 94.9's Big Sonic Nap. Or drink a fucking gallon of moonshine in under an hour. Nothing says relaxation like a coma.

Guess what else? His videos suck too. Hibatchi123 commented "All dave songs make me want to drink some beer" [sic] on youtube on the Dave Matthews Big Gay Band video for "Crash Into My Poop Chute" and to a certain extent he/she is right, they make me want to drink. Except my beverage of choice is a large steaming mug of oleander tea. The video for "The Space Between" features a couple black dudes, his band mates or whatever. There is a lot of contrast so they are pretty much just shadows with instruments. If I know anything about havin' soul, I know these dudes want to blow off this balding cracka-ass bitch to start an Earth, Wind and Fire tribute band. They do, however, probably get paid pretty well . Ahh shit, now I just sound like a racist.

And what, pray tell, is Dave currently up to? Making more ringtones for me to tear my eyelashes out to.


got a lot of lashes left to go,

'stina.

2 comments:

Megan Elizabeth said...

My little brother's band? "My Biochemical Warfare"? Not a real band but better than the one they reference.

The last time anyone told me to "relax and go with it" they were trying to put it in my butt. NOT relaxing.

'stina said...

Ahh, shit. My Biochemical Warfare. Sooooo good. Romance and warfare go hand in hand, obviously.