Monday, July 21, 2008

40 oz. to shut the hell up

This week, in addition to our Wolf Parade fangirl blitz we'll be running a special series on over-rated bands we hate. I mean, we're all twitterpated still because OMG he looked at us, but we can't be swooning on divans and loosening our corsets all day long. We'd never get any work done. To get the ball rolling, I'm just going to throw something out there and I need y'all to be ready to catch it.

I don't date boys who like Sublime. Pretty basic. I don't know if it's just the part of the country I live in or what, but this restriction practically makes me a nun. What's my problem with Sublime? The same problem I have with fourteen year old boys. No, not the one where they tell their parents about me and I have to do a lot of serious work on their old man to keep my ass out of the pokey. The one where fourteen year old boys are really fucking dumb. Actually, I guess those problems go together.

Moving along, what is up with Sublime? Seriously? Homeboy died in 1996 and the band was over. That is 12 long years of smoke two joints what I got bad fish what I got caress me down smoke two joints repeat, but I guess y'all have been too high to notice. I just get this sense about Sublime fans more than with any other band that in making the decision to like Sublime one is also committing to a certain lifestyle that I find just as tired and boring as the songs, the lyrics, listening to bros talk, etc. I just don't feel like I need to get high every day and fuck an endless succession of guys with low I.Q.s, big trucks and small feet. Because you know what they say about small feet.

Teeny tiny pedicures.

My favorite thing about Sublime is the song about the LA riots and sheltered suburban kids I went to high school with used to get at least six kinds of amped on it like, "yeah, 187 on a cop bro! Fuck yeah!" Like we weren't in second grade when that shit went down. Like they didn't smoke out with the campus police anyway. Like they wouldn't have hid under a rock and waited for the riots to end, clutching their blankies and sobbing. God fourteen year old boys are dumb. I think that's why I usually don't date anyone under 30. Natural selection should take care of this shit.

So yeah, Sublime=dealbreaker. Edit your social networking profiles accordingly gentlemen.


'stina said...

I especially like that last paragraph and I feel the same way. It was like "seriously, guys? We live in suburban Southern California, none of us have even an inkling as to what struggle is." and above THAT, I think at that point none of us were smoking pot yet anyways! WTFFFFFFFF

dustin said...

amen. said...

Fuck Bob Marley.