Friday, October 10, 2008

The Pony Girl Club presents: A Guide to Talking to Girls on The Internet

After fighting with the robot sluts at Cox for a day and a half to get my fucking internet fixed, I am finally ready to deliver what you guys have been waiting so long for: the liveblog of the High School Musical 3 sneak preview I'm attending!

Hah, I'm just kidding. I'm talking about the Pony Girl Club guide to talking to girls on the internet. Yeah. I'll admit it. We tried internet dating once. I mean, not together. Just at the same time. I always thought internet dating was for warcraft nerds and diabetics or something but I thought maybe I'd give it a chance since it's 2008 and people use the internet or some shit. When say I thought I'd give it a chance I mean Jenny K. basically dared me to, so I said yeah, okay one guy. Needless to say, it didn't go too well. When I say it didn't go too well I mean I ended up kind of dating the dude for like two months before he had an existential crisis, threatened to move to New Mexico to work in a water treatment facility and never talk to anyone again and eventually just stopped talking to me, later citing extreme depression (I ran into him at the Frog Eyes show and demanded an explanation immediately). Fact: joining the peace corps will not undo the fact that you got fired from your graphic design job, nor will it pay your Yaris payment.

So, now I'm compiling a list of tips culminated from our collective experience to help y'all stop acting like assholes, on and off the internets.

1.The content of your message is your first impression. You should probably try to not fuck it up. Don't say creepy shit or send dick pics. Messages that say "you're a cute chick and I'd like you to ride me like a pony" are TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. Don't ask questions like "do u liek egyptian dick?" and don't send messages like this:

He there,

How are you doing?
Just got to tell you that I like ur profile and Pix and wanna Know you better.
How Cute Are You :-)
Beautiful Eyes and Lips :-)
Please add me to your favorites so we can chat here.
Would you like to chat on phone to know each other better ??
Wanna Date??
Looking for forward.

Guess what? Gonna block your 40-year-old ass. I almost wish I didn't delete some of the really yucky messages for the sake of my readers' amusement. You should probably also write your message in American SO I CAN UNDERSTAND IT. I shouldn't want to put a [sic] at the end of your entire message. This is a good example of what not to do:

hey whats up how r u doin shawty i seen that wit that drink ill drink with u for sure.

Don't give me a Reader's Digest version of your life and don't tell me how much you love to work out and hike. Isn't it clear by the pretentious list of "leisure lit" that I fucking hate hiking and shit? How could I have read all those damn books that most people consider punishment if I was outside running around catching hay fever? DO use information I have chosen to release to try to make a connection. I normally find beards yucky, but the dude I ended up dating had a beard. Why would I date a dude with a beard? Because in his first message he asked me how funny it would be to re-score Grosse Pointe Blank to Sunset Rubdown instead of John Cusack jerking off Joe Strummer. Yeah, score.

2. Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend. It's just really fucking annoying. We're all old enough that you have to be a social retard to not have been in a relationship at this point, especially if you're like us and dig the dirty thirties (I'm just kidding, we're trying to stick with dudes in their twenties...I think).The dude I dated from the internet talked about his ex-girlfriend on the first date. He was also asking about character makeup and asked me if I could make myself look like his ex-girlfriend. It was a joke. Even if it was a little mean, it was probably because I asked if his 16-year-old brother was a hot virgin. Wait, why am I defending this dude still? Ughhh. Megan went on an afternoon coffee date with a guy that pointed out his premature balding (it was hiding under the emo combover) and attributed it to the fact that his ex-girlfriend once told him she had herpes when she didn't. The best part about this dude is that he chatted me up previously, but started ignoring me once he did the hook line and sinker on Megan and eventually re-opened the dialogue circuit once he figured out Megan wasn't going to call him. No, I don't want to be in a band with you, I heard you got kicked out of Adamscott's little brother's band for SUCKING. Yeah, you did jostle me at the Silver Jews show. Yeah, I shot eye daggers at you and yelled about fighting you because I was a little drunk. Whatever.

3. Be kind of hot or at least really funny. If you look like a serial killer and your main interests are meat, the confederacy and "FUCKING LIKE A HORSE," we probably aren't going to get along. I almost prefer dudes that are not like, stupid hot, because they tend to be less...well, stupid. I'll be honest, you can have a pretty bad case of the cute and be funny or into shit I am into and I'll dig it, I'm kind of into that awkward early Rivers Cuomo thing anyways. You know, the dark hair and glasses with a cardigan combo. I also like obscenities and being offensive. I'm also really popular, kind of loud and feared by most. You have to be able to deal with it. The best way is by having a good sense of humor. Most people can't hang and with that said, my standards are still ludicrously high and I will probably date one guy a year for two months and never get married. It's cool, I have a cat.

4. Try not to act like a total psycho. It's normal for most people to move on to normal e-mail after a while (or at least I think so?) because most people can't check internet dating sites at work and I can use gmail on my phone. What you shouldn't do with this e-mail address, is use it to find and read every article the girl you're interested wrote for her college paper and later tell her you loved "that one about those kids shoes with the wheels on 'em." Acting like a total psycho includes showing up at her work when she didn't tell you where she worked. Acting like a total idiot includes agreeing to get a beer with said dude since he drove up from University Heights to stalk you and getting totally wasted because you got the magic refilling pint glass. Yikes. If you actually do get the chance to bang a girl, you should probably try NOT crying on the final frontier. She's gonna freak out, not to mention think you're a total pussy.

5. Look like your pictures. If you don't, please save yourself a shred of dignity and don't point out why. In my case, the dude had a floppy mop of hair in his pictures yet had no actual hair in real life. Being asked why prompted a story about how he shaved his head two years ago when his girlfriend dumped him and just kept shaving it. Are you on some sort of sadsack hair protest? Don't even get me started on the really serious under bite. I feel like I put up an assortment of photos that accurately displays both how foxy I am as well as how goofy/boring/normal I can look. That includes full-body pics. You can't hide behind the internet dude, we'll figure you out. Especially if it's your height you're fudging. We are apparently slightly above average (the internet says it's 5'3.7"), height-wise and hang out with a bunch of goddamn giants so if you say you're 5'7" but you meant 5'4" fuck yeah I'm gonna notice. It's not like I'll automatically turn my nose up at you for being more vertically challenged than I am, as long as you're cool.

What I'm getting at is I'm going to take my chances in the real world, you know, keep scamming on friends' friends/coworkers but in the mean time YOU can stop being less of a dickbag when trying to pick up chicks on the 'net.

You guys are going to have to excuse me now, I have to go deal with this dude that keeps calling me because he thinks I'm Jenni. I've told him twice that he has the wrong number but "wrong number" is apparently just a shorter way of saying "I'm playing hard to get." Why would this guy think I'm Jenni? Funny you should ask. We were at dirty mondays and this guy asked for her number and instead of saying "I don't have a phone" or "no please" she gave him mine. Fucking stellar.



jenni said...

ahahahaha sorry that jager we had before we went was clouding my judgement and i couldnt think fast. i really will start giving out mac's instead. just have adrian call him from your phone and threaten him.

Dr. Bubastis said...

This is all well and good, but I generally just have to keep them engaged look enough for the roofie to kick in.

read: not very long.

'stina said...

@ Jenni

Why is Adrian always my go-to for solving problems I don't want to deal with?

@ Dr. Bubastis

From one slutty girl to another, you know you just have to ask. The girl you're trying to drug? She'll probably say yes. If she doesn't, see if the deer's blood in Jager will change her mind. If not, there's always the Italian rape defense: "women wear their pants so tight she'd have to say yes to get them off."

jenni said...

he loves confrontation and ain't afraid to tell a bitch to shut the fuck up?

Your Maugham said...

The sad thing is how most girls can produce several stories along the same lines. Although perhaps without the same witty zest and cultural in-jokes as pony girls.


megan elizabeth said...

You left out my favorite tip:


Grenva said...

HEY! i wanna text this dude tonight off your phone stina, BUT DO NOT give my number. that's that.