Sunday, October 5, 2008

Nick and Norah's Infinite Pandering to Our Marketing Demographic

Megan and I had a really romantic night on Friday. We went out to dinner, to the Roxy, if you must know. We always both order "The Artichoker" sandwich (it is chock full of things I think are tasty, like artichokes, black olives, sprouts and avocado) and share garlic-battered artichoke hearts. It rained a little bit, not enough to use windshield wipers (it's never enough for Megan to use wipers, shit would turn into the black lagoon) but enough to deposit delicate sprinkles of dew onto our eyelashes so that other patrons may think our eyes were twinkling with love. Regardless of twinkling or not, we followed dinner up with a movie. Not just any movie, but the worst movie ever made for people like us. We schlepped in a box of Red Vines and a six-pack of Coronitas (they're so cute and so purse-sized!), because mid-twenties rebellion is a dish best served with beer goggles and a red tongue, and proceeded to ruin "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" for about 15 other people. And not just by kicking over an empty beer bottle.

I'm going to try not to ruin the movie for any of you idiots that think you still want to see this shit, so I'm no going to review it, so much as I'm going to make a list of complaints. I can tell you that we're planning a new video, tentatively called "The Pony Girl Club presents: Nick and Norah's Infinite Pandering to Our Markting Demographic re-enacted in five minutes."

1. The soundtrack. This shit was a total miss. It turned into a game for us. Every time there was a song featured by an "indie" band, I yelled "PANDERING!" Oooooh snap, you used Islands AND Takka Takka! Liek, ZOMG! If these fucking fruitcakes took any time to really consider character devlopment it would have been obvious to them that Michael Cera's character would have totally been into Wolf Parade. How can you make a breakup mix without "Grounds for Divorce?" You can't. The last time I broke up with a dude it was to "Kissing the Beehive." True story. As if you didn't know that it would sting, bitch.

2. The gay band. "Nick" is the straight bassist in a gay band called "The Jerkoffs." The ludicrous insinuation that the "indie" community is okay with gays is just that- ludicrous. I mean okay whatever I don't hate the gays (I guess) but the in-your-faceishness of the constant barrage of "HEY LOOK BEING HOMOSEXUAL IS ACCEPTABLE" became offensive. I feel like it's my duty as resident filthy hipster bitch with recently aquired rights to social commentary (now that I'm a blogger and shit) to point out that for the most part we don't care. Apathy is pretty widespread in this community of selfish fools. It reminds me of an article about hipsterdom I once read in which the author said "we'd look like revolutionaries, if only we were holding rocks instead of digital cameras." Personally, I don't care if that dude from Xiu Xiu is into dudes part-time and ladies part-time as long as you deliver what I want- a good show.

3. The booze. These kids are from Dirty Jersey and are in New York City for a night, how the fuck did they all get so drunk? And didn't their parents ever tell them not to drink and drive? Where the hell are their parents and why don't they care that they're not home at 5 a.m.? Shouldn't they be in school? Oh wait, I remember being in NYC underage and being served alcohol. Whoops! I was there for a journalism conference and went on a spur-of-the-moment dinner date with a fellow digital audio production major from some shitty state in the midwest. He was also deaf in the left ear. Man, I can't remember anything about this guy. He was nice and pretty cute, I probably could've finnagled a handski out of him if I actually tried. Probably should've tried.

4. Devendra Banhart. Norah is lightly arguing with former childhood friend Triss (who is also the ex-girlfriend of Nick) in a liquor store about how she has " probably had like, hundreds of orgasms" in her life when Banhart's rebellious beard appears to tell her that she'd "know" if she did. Someone get Devendra Banhart's dirty gay vegan rebellious beard on the Megan's Law website. No, I'm not talking about Megan's fetish porn site, I'm talking about that shit you put your neighbor's picture on when they diddle your spawn.

5. The stupid pretty girl that thinks she'd fug because her childhood best friend looks like Miley Cyrus. Goddammit, I am so sick of this shit. Seriously. Everyone knows there is a sliding scale of self-hatred that corresponds with your level of intelligence and the smarter you are, the worse you feel about yourself. Unless you're me, but I didn't say anything about people of superior intelligence with out of control ego problems. There's a moment when they're being intimate Nick takes off his hoodie and vans and is totally going to finger Norah and she says something dumb like "you still like me even though I'm not pretty like Triss?" Talk about bonerkiller. If a dude gets down to his business socks, it's business time. It's not that hard to figure out. You shut your whore mouth and get jiggy because he's not gonna wanna dip his pinkie in if you are too busy pointing out flaws he didn't even notice you had. Save that shit for drinking too much with your lady friends. It's bad enough that in the beginning of the movie one of Nick's gays drags Norah into the van and makes her change her bra because her personality is a lot easier to see in a red lacy push-up bra, but the fact that she weaves in and out of low self-esteem city even when HE ALREADY TOOK HIS HOODIE AND VANS OFF is just silly. And annoying.

Ugh, I am so tired I can't even think anymore. Good thing I have the entire day off so I can do stuff like watch DVRed TV before going to ballet as a warmup for dirty mondays.

The pedastools are about the same height as the gallows,



megan elizabeth said...

The best part of the movie was when I was like, dude, he's gonna take off his hoodie and his vans and then he's gonna fuck her, and that's almost exactly what happened. That's called Canadian romance.

'stina said...

Canadian romance? Oh, you slay me.

Dr. Bubastis said...

I think the whole "straight guy in a gay band" is probably the most ridiculous of liberties they took with the premise. I didn't know this before you mentioned it. Mainly because, as you may have guessed, i'm not the kind of douche bag who would actually go see this movie.

This whole idea of pandering reminds of me of a scene in American Splendor (the movie) when Harvey is trying to talk his nerdy co-worker about going to see Revenge of the Nerds. Just because this movie was made for people like you doesn't mean the people who made it know anything about you.

And, oh hi my name is Michael Cera, i'm only like 18 but i've already been completely typecast for the remainder of my career (which would be when he can't play teenagers anymore.) He's like that nerdy guy that was in all those John Hughes movies.

Grenva said...

Michael Cera can either go underground for the next 5 years till he shakes the typecast. He can also do what "screech" from Saved by the Bell, and come back to the show as a student advisor or teacher.

'stina said...

I don't want Michael Cera to go anywhere except back in my spank bank.

Your Maugham said...


As far as I'm concerned, there is only one Nick & Nora film duo worth watching. And they spend more time swilling cocktails and swapping sexy banter than listening to lame music and apparently not having a curfew.

megan elizabeth said...


jenny is dying of food poisoning and gray hair said...

heretoforth please refer to yourselves as being in your early twenties as long as humanly possible. do it for me, girls. do it for me. trust me on this one.

jenni said...

what the fuck is triss short for?