Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Clean Up on Aisle Tuesday: I want to choke Chris Carrabba and not in that kind of fun way

It's been really hard for me to think about what I hate enough to blog about this week because us ponies had such a good night, but don't start thinkin' I let you down.

We've both been having our respective issues, like Megan getting a boob job and me not having a day off for 12 days straight trying to hustle my way into a promotion like some sort of frazzled hungover face-painting superbot. The only thing that has kept me going is Megan telling me to ask myself what Dwight Schrute would do.

That should give you guys an idea of how my interview with the district manager went.

All this talk of being a straight Schruter really got me thinking, I should be more intense about my life. I already listen to the blackest of metals, the indiest of rocks and the dumbest of hyphy but what about all the little shit I look the other way about? Like this guy:

Ordinarily, I would say something snappy like "I would hatefuck that guy so hard he wouldn't even know the Slurricaine tore through that shit" and maybe make a joke about waiting until he passes out to steal his black AMEX and Audi keys but no longer, my friends!

I was seeing this dude for a while before he fucking freaked out because I tried to round first base after the fifth date and he once admitted he has a list of "freeway bands." Those being bands you only listen to on the freeway when you can be absolutely certain no one else can hear you. Who was the first on his freeway list? That guy up there, Chris Carraba, otherwise known as his pathetic musical monniker "Dashboard Confessional." Whats my problem with him? One reason: He's a total pussy. He's a pussy with a speech impediment. The shit this guy writes about is bad, the way he writes about it is worse. Even the crying in the newborn ward is more tolerable than this dude's whining about some girl he is netstalking boning down with another dude. For example:

As for now, I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
and sit alone and wonder how you're making out
but as for me I wish that I was anywhere
with anyone, making out

This guy is clearly a sensitive-ass genius. Maybe he's just a nice guy and like needs a hug or some shit but mostly I want to let him loose in the Pennsylvania woods and let a bear swat at his vocal cords.

Fact: He used to be the singer of a Christian band, Further Seems Forever.

Fact: I am Christian music's biggest enemy.

Fact: Carrabba was in New Fond Glory for five minutes while the original ham hands toured with Shai Hulud.

Fact: I saw Shai Hulud once. It's embarrassing that I saw a hardcore punk prog metal band named after the fucking sand worms in Dune, yeah, but I was very young and I've also talked about stomping around my house listening to old Saetia 7". I'm 10 kinds of fucked here.

In hate we trust,



megan elizabeth said...

Fact: When I was in the sixth grade, Dune was my favorite book.

'stina said...

I think a job just opened up for you, on the NERD HERD.

megan elizabeth said...


Grenva said...

fact: Dune is Star Wars with too much sand.

fact: i wish megan to get well soon!

fact: thanks for coming to Dirty Mondays!

Dr. Bubastis said...

Hating the guy from Dashboard Confessional is a little too run-of-the-mill for me.

'stina said...

Well then, why dont YOU try writing something once in a while, good doctor?